The absolute best.

Brace yourself. This is too good for words. I can't even begin to tell you HOW excellent this post is going to be.

At area theme parks, not only are you burdened with people matching and wearing Crocs, but you get to deal with the women who don only sports bras, and the men who wear the cut-off shorts. Tank tops on men are in full force, and often feature Nascar driver support or something equally redneck, such as Busch beer. The ideal arm hole length falls down to the tops of their shorts, and you can see everything under the shirt. Women will wear bikini tops, basically for the functionality of the water rides only, however, they will be worn on those who are proud to display the goods when they probably shouldn’t.

Shirts that don’t cover completely, see through tanks, and excessively short shorts on people whose legs look like highway road maps are just normal sightseeing adventures for those who work at the theme parks. I don’t think I would honestly make it being employed at one of these, for sheer terror and fright.

And now, I deliver the goods.

I keep my promises, people.

Fabbo Fashion!

These disturbing images come from a trip to Branson, MO several years ago. I found these gems on my computer and felt the need to share.

Hawaiian shirts are a noticeable trend, along with pants that are too short, with white tube socks in painful sight. Cameras are always around their necks, video cameras in hand, and huge bags toting their free snacks are always at their sides. Exhibit A is a prime example of your average Branson tourist. I like to break tourists down into "sub-groups", if you will. These people would fall into the "Show Go-ers".

Your typical show attendee will be older in age, more likely with their lifetime spouse or same sex friend that they have met through their local Rotary club or Red Hat Society. Sometimes, they travel in packs, much like a herd of sloths. These groupings are much louder, and they carry wadded up tissues in their purses and back pockets. They talk about how disrespectful the youth of today are, and how when they “were that age” one would NEVER wear such a thing or speak out of turn. They gripe about not being able to get their senior discount at every living turn, and speak about how hamburgers only set them back 10 cents in 1952.

Gotta love the fanny pack. These are very popular, not just in the tourist areas of the Ozarks, but all around. Hulk Hogan would be proud.

Pantsuits are common too, especially in floral prints. I know these are across the board, but I saw so many on this trip to Branson, I had to document them.

Please note Exhibit A. Not only does the jacket look a wee bit snut, but the pattern looks like vomit.

On Exhibit B, it's just too much floral on too much body. Also note the orthopedic sandals in a stylish, non-chalant WHITE with a black pantsuit...HEY! The top is snowy white, and the bottom is snowy white. This woman KNOWS how to match.

Fabulous Eateries!

Restaurants, in Branson particularly, are absolutely great for a person like me. I enjoy laughing at irony and absurdity. Personally, I am all for animal rights. I have been a vegan and vegetarian off and on for seven years total. Thus, the nature of some of these restaurants simply makes me laugh.

Not only do they look ridiculous and idiotic, most of the time the inside looks so dirty, so unsanitary, that you wonder if you should immediately seek immunization upon your meal completion. One look at the outside of these places is enough to make me flip my lid and say “you’ve got to be kidding.”

Of course, everything is carnivorous. You have steak, steak, steak, and bacon. Burgers are popular, but steak is better. Seafood is pretty popular, but not as much as “good ol’ fashioned BBQ” to the locals. Places boast the best steaks in the area, featuring signs with cows looking happy on them-yeah right. This thought doesn’t just make me laugh, but simultaneously makes me sad.

If you also don’t enjoy a good buffet (pronounced “buh-fet” to these people), you might as well just go to the local Steak and Shake. Everything is an all you can eat buffet, much like Las Vegas, but these are MUCH less classier. You will see items that you can’t identify, things that look like bodily organs, and stuff that is so undercooked you can still hear the animal noises coming from it. Seeing some of the people that go to these buffets, or any buffets-for that matter-should deter you if the food items don’t already. I have literally seen people sneeze over the food on buffet tables without covering their mouth, using their mouth to cover their sneeze, then immediately use that same hand to handle tongs or spoons, even picking their nose over buffets. As I mentioned, this isn’t just in the Ozarks-I have seen this no matter where you go. And no, I don’t eat at buffets for just this matter.

Let’s be honest, most people don’t wash their hands. This is the idea when people prepare food, are around your food, or just touch your stuff. I have seen so many people just turn on water, stick their hands under for maybe a millisecond, then turn off the water and walk out of the bathroom-IF they even go as far as walk to the sink. Yes, these people are all over your food all the time.

Seeing bodily functions played out over the buffets just adds a whole other dimension of disgusting to your dining experience, one to which I will choose not to boldly go. Everything is gross, yes. And to answer that inevitable question, yes I do eat in restaurants. BUT my opinion is that one person touching my food in the kitchen is different that multiple people walking by the buffet as it gets cold sneezing, coughing, picking their noses, spitting and drooling, etc. Plus, apparently ignorance is bliss, and I choose to partake in this sometimes willingly.

For the most part, if you enjoy worldly cuisine, then Branson probably isn’t your forte. The only culture you will experience is at the local chain restaurants that feature cuisine that isn’t deemed “American”. You might see a Mexican restaurant here and there, but not many. Anything else is just game over. Deal with it, you have to eat steak. Also get used to the idea of eating surrounded by mounted trophies of deer and similar hunted animals’ heads.

Branson, MO-Home of the Dolly Parton Dixie Stampede

This is an attraction that is featuring Dolly Parton, the amazing performer. Anybody featured on Hannah Montana episodes is amazing, so not a word.

The show is in an arena, much like you would experience a rodeo or competitive bull riding. The arena is the stage where all of the entertainment occurs, it’s just a dirt floor, no fancy gimmicks. You sit on fancy bleachers, which still make you butt feel flat, and you have bleacher-like tables in front of you. There are several sets that “rise” and “fall” from above the arena to accommodate the purpose of the performers. The theater, overall, has great light, sound, and theatrical effects that are very highly budgeted. It’s quite obvious that the technicians know their skill and are gifted. When I attended the show, it was the Christmas edition of the presentation, so I feel the douche-baggery was in full force.

The only part of the show that I saw that WASN’T excruciating was the pre-show out in the lobby. This featured a comic who was also an expert in juggling. He was entertaining, in fact, I would have enjoyed the show JUST being this dude. He made awkward fathers wearing fanny packs hold flaming torches for him, made fun of people who needed to be taunted, and made children squeal with glee. This man should have a show.

After going into the arena…everything changed.

Keep in mind this is what they call a “dinner attraction”. Yes, you actually eat at a rodeo. I’m probably one of the only people in the Ozarks who sees the flaw in this, but I’m sticking to my guns on this one. You are eating in an arena where animal manure is being flung into the air constantly, along with dirt, and the overall funk of the attendees. Eat up!

As if this wasn’t bad enough, I was a vegetarian at the time. The meal consisted of a WHOLE baked chicken, complete with bones and veins, a soup that was beef broth based and tasted like lard, a biscuit with sides of honey and butter, corn on the cob, and an apple crumbly pastry. Notice a trend here? Exactly, they are all finger foods. Oh, you’re too smart for that? Soup, you say? Yes, even soup is classified as a finger food at the Dixie Stampede. You literally drink your soup straight out of the cup. No utensils are provided for you, and when I inquired as to a spoon simply for the soup that I shouldn’t have, I was given a VERY dirty look and told that “that isn’t how we do things here”. Oh, and as for cleanliness? While eating your meal WITH YOUR HANDS, you are provided ONE napkin.

Trying to consume the food after acknowledging the atmosphere was pretty intense, especially knowing that I couldn’t consume the chicken or soup. They might provide a vegetarian alternative now, but I’m not sure. At the time they sure didn’t, though.

The show was basically a diet rodeo. The animals were wrangled and jumped on, rode on, etc. Personally, I hate this, and I don’t see it as “entertainment”, but I tried. The trick riding was actually cool, you had people doing elaborate stunts on horseback, and unfortunately since this was the one thing I enjoyed, there was maybe only 5 minutes of it.

Aside from the trick riding, much to my dismay, there was a lot of audience participation. I hate this-primarily because I hate people. I hate tourists, and I hate how they act unaware in these situations. I’d rather see scripting than the average Joe in the fanny pack wearing his Hawaiian shirt trying to follow directions and failing miserably. I can see that anywhere and don’t have to pay out my butt for it. In total, audience participation, such as foot races, demonstrations with the animals, and contests took up HALF of the whole show. I hope that I’m not the only one who finds that obnoxious.

In between the trick riding and the horrible audience participation, you had the battle between the North and the South, to resemble the Civil War.

I am going to mention something right now: I saw no African Americans in the audience.

Everyone was handed flags for their side, and based on where your seat was, this is which side you fought for. To my dismay, I ended up on the South side of the battle. Apparently, I was envied, because those who were informed they were on the North groaned loudly when it was announced. Those who were on the South, with me being the exception, cheered wildly. Audience participation involved activities between the North and the South-once again, to my sheer horror, the South actually won. Thank God that everything didn’t actually turn out this way in our country’s history. Who knows how things would have turned out for the status quo.

After all of this terror, mixed randomly up in this were a bunch of musical numbers, complete with poor dancing, horrible singing, and lame acting. People spoke about Santa and the magic that he has, ice skaters did elaborate routines on a rink that lowered into the arena, and a general variety show took up a small portion of the entertainment. This alone would have been sufficient for me. Surpassing the rodeo and audience participation-isn’t this what a “dinner attraction” should actually be?

The funniest thing about the whole show was when they used video footage of the great Dolly Parton herself addressing the audience and providing feedback for the “reason for the season”. She was larger than life on the projection, and she was interacting with the actors on the arena floor. What might you believe is the best part of this? The actors had NO sense of timing. There were spots of this “activity” where Dolly would ask a question of one of the cast members, they would pause, then start to answer-and Dolly would speak over the person. Of course, this wasn’t intentional. The actor then seemed like a complete idiot. It’s honestly a silly idea to have a person on a projection “interact” with others in the first place, but people were lovin’ this like a side of fries at McDonald’s. I laughed so hard, I cried.

The other horrifying aspect and unifying factor for the entertainment value of Branson, would be the emphasis on Jesus. We had to watch multiple Nativity scenes, complete with cheesy acting, dancing, and singing once again. Crosses that were lit up so much that the Las Vegas strip would be jealous were lowered from the ceiling as people’s eyes streamed with tears. Earlier I mentioned the unifying factor of Branson entertainment being the country/gospel influence, and Christianity. This show, for me, was the ultimate symbol.

The worst part? Tickets were around 70 bucks. Luckily, that includes your crappy meal.

Welcome

In case you haven't grasped the idea behind this blog yet, this is to mock all that is the Ozark area. If anyone has any fashion, location, signs, etc in picture format that they would be able to send my way, please do so. Thanks for checking this out!